MARRIAGE

I have learned a few important concepts from marriage books:

#1 the love bank: every time we have interaction with someone, we are either adding or taking away love money.  If we allow our spouse’s bank to get low, it can lead to serious issues.  We also must be willing to accept deposits and recognize our spouse’s efforts.

#2 the 80/20 rule – we choose the best person to meet the MOST qualifications on our list, as it is impossible to find a perfect person that matches everything.  The spouse will usually cover 80% of your needs.  Many people get into trouble when they focus on the 20% that they aren’t receiving.  They may look to outside sources for that 20%.  When faced with having to decide between the two, they may believe that the new person will be so much better and then find out later that they pale in comparison to their spouse who fulfills so many more of their needs.

#3 Different Stages of Love:
How Couples Develop:

Enmeshment:
-infatuation, rarely do you notice that you have differences – you focus almost exclusively on your similarities
-you begin to trust each other unconditionally
The ultimate purpose of this stage is attachment – to become a couple

Differentiation
-differences begin to emerge

Practicing
-you each practice being a unique individual, developing your self-esteem and self-worth within your relationship
-you need more time alone and actually pull away from spending a lot of time together
-you need to find your own voice, which requires you to identify and express your feelings, needs, thoughts, and desires
-you share honestly what is going on inside of you
-now you are pulling away to focus inward
“By working on an individual plan for emotional, physical, sexual, social, and spiritual health, you can let go of the expectation that your husband must take care of all of your needs.” P.222

Reengagement
-a time of coming and going
-you don’t fear losing yourself as you did in the earlier stages
-you enjoy intimate connection as well as times apart
-when tension arises regarding the ways you spend your time, you are more skilled at resolving conflict
“Whether you are alone or with your husband, you can find pleasure and purpose in your life so that you don’t perpetuate an unhealthy enmeshment.”

Mutual Interdependence
-experience constancy in your relationship
-with each of us confident and satisfied in our own identity, our relationship is built on growth, not need
“You have found a bond of love that is deep and satisfying, and you can accept the realness of your relationship while letting go of your need for it to be perfect.” P.223
“. . . it’s okay to feel; it’s okay to have conflict; it’s okay to have needs; it’s safe to commit; it’s safe to be vulnerable.” P.223

“Each stage presents a couple with the issue of how to manage closeness and distance.  In enmeshment, a couple seeks closeness at all times and avoids distancing.  In differentiation, the couple continues to be close, but each partner starts desiring some distance.  In practicing, the couple practices intentional distancing, and husband and wife don’t feel as close.  In reengagement, a couple is sporadically close and distant, learning to negotiate and balance the two ends of the spectrum. Finally, in mutual interdependence, the couple experiences closeness and distance, but the shift between the two is more fluid, expected, and constant.  In this last stage, individuals can be alone but not feel lonely.” P.223
(Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed: By Debra Laaser)

Spencer W. Kimball:
“Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity.  Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor, and affection, with all dignity.  Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression.  As we should have ‘an eye single to the glory of God,’ so should we have an eye, an ear, a heart single to the marriage and the spouse and family.”
We have different expectations of each other and hope that a spouse can help fill any emptiness in our lives.  I have learned that only God can fill that emptiness and that we can’t expect a spouse to know exactly how we feel or what pain that we are called to endure.  Instead of getting frustrated with a spouse, it is important to turn it over to God.

Early on in marriage I learned that my husband and I had different ideas concerning boundaries in our marriage.  It is important to sit down and go over things together so that you are on the same page.  If one of you is uncomfortable with something, it is important to honor and respect that.

DATE NIGHT

When we were first married we dated, but I found the challenge of calling something a “date” when we seemed to be together all of the time.  I took the time that we had together for granted because we didn’t have many obstacles to go and do whatever we wanted to.

After having children it became a lot harder to find the time and babysitters to take a break for the two of us.  I didn’t like spending money on babysitters and have found that trading nights with another couple in our Ward is a great way to go.

My opinion is to use your resources.  If you live near family and they don’t mind watching your kids once in awhile, then use that resource.  I had a teacher say that he already raised his children so he didn’t want to look after grandchildren.  I see this as a very limited perspective with a selfish view.  I see helping family as a way to spend time with grandchildren and to support your children in their righteous desires.  Just because your children are grown up, it doesn’t mean that all of your responsibilities towards them have ended.  There is family work that still needs to be done.  The less selfish approach is to say “how can I continue blessing my family?” 

Three Realms of Law: by Lili Anderson

If we are trying to be good people, and are earnestly seeking to follow Christ’s celestial pattern, we may make sincere efforts to respond to injuries from others with patience, kindness, and long-suffering. These can be appropriate responses to terrestrial troubles, but not always the best response to telestial behaviors. The reason for this is that while terrestrial, imperfect behaviors may be irritating, they are not destructive. If you have a roommate that watches too many sports on television, or who doesn’t clean up often enough, or perhaps is too finicky about cleaning, it can be a bit hard to live with, but patience, kindness, and long-suffering are certainly a good approach and good practice for marriage.
 
However, as a marriage counselor, I see too many situations in which a partner is involved in more serious, telestial behaviors – like adultery, abuse, addictions to drugs, alcohol, or pornography. Of course, such behaviors bring pain, violence, and destruction into relationships and should be confronted with strong terrestrial boundaries.
 
One woman told me that her husband – when he came home hungry and found her outside watching the kids play – would go inside the house and lock all the doors, so she and the kids had to wait for an hour or more on the back porch until he decided to open the door. While milder than some marriage problems I just mentioned, this was still a very destructive pattern. It damaged the wife’s feelings of personal worth and it was destroying her feelings of love for her husband. It also was lousy modeling for the children. Her response had been patience, long-suffering, and serious efforts to forgive, but it wasn’t working and she was becoming bitter. I shared with her the three realm model and suggested that she was trying to skip from the telestial realm to the celestial. She was responding to her husband’s telestial behavior with what she thought were celestial efforts. However, showing patience with destructive, telestial behaviors or trying to forgive unrepented, ongoing injury – typically results in an acceptance of victimization that doesn’t benefit either victim or victimizer. The victim remains vulnerable to abuse and, almost inevitably, loses respect and love for the victimizer, while the victimizer continues unabated on their personal road to destruction.
 
Instead, I suggested this woman draw a terrestrial boundary with her husband. She agreed to make sure she always wore clothes with pockets. In the pockets she was to put driver’s license, cash, credit card, or checkbook, and keys. She also packed the car with extra clothes and supplies for the young children. She then told her husband that she was no longer willing to accept behavior that she knew – and he knew – was not acceptable to God. If he locked the door on her again, she said, she would take the kids and go to place where they would be safe and not feel like beggars at their own door -- perhaps the library, a movie, a park, or a restaurant. Then, when she was ready, she would call to see if he were willing to take this problem to the bishop or to a counselor to learn better ways to deal with his anger. After she “drew that terrestrial boundary line,” he never locked the door on his family again, and he came into counseling where, working together, they made great improvements in their marriage.
 
The Lord has said, “For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance” (Doctrine & Covenants 1:31). This is not the statement of a harsh deity, but an affirmation of a love so profound that it will give sin no quarter – knowing that sin destroys His children. If we are to become “even as He is” (see 3 Nephi 27:27), then we, too, must be tolerant of individuals, but intolerant of sin.
 
Notice, too, that this approach of “holding the terrestrial line” brings benefits to everyone. Drawing a terrestrial line benefits the victimizer as this gives him or her the opportunity to repent, rather than continuing on a path of self-destruction. And drawing a terrestrial line can help turn victims into agents. This is vastly superior, of course, to what so often happens when a victim reaches his or her limit and decides, “I’ve taken it long enough; now I’m dishing it out,” at which point they both end up telestial. The Lord does not want His people to live as victims (see Doctrine &Covenants 98:23-48).
 
I sometimes worry that, as members, we are still responding as though the world were still in a more terrestrial state, as it was in the 1950s or early 60s. I think some members became used to only having to be “this much” better than the rest of middle-class America. Prom dresses, movie or television choices, swimming suits needed to be “this much better. When the world began sinking rapidly into an increasingly telestial state, I’m afraid that some members – having become used to being “this much” better, just maintained that distance. Now, in this new millennium, perhaps too often, our choices of are still just “this much” better than those of a telestial world. Consider that if such a trend continues, all it means is that we’ll get to hell about six months later.

GOD'S PLAN

TESTIMONY

I know that Heavenly Father is our Father and love us very much.  He has a created a plan to help us progress and become more like Him.  He wants us all to return to live with Him again.  This life is not only a test, but an experience to find joy as well.  It is only through following God’s plan by keeping the commandments and covenants, that we will become more like Him.

I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior who suffered and sacrificed His life so that we may repent and be worthy of God’s presence.  I am grateful for his humility and willingness to take on such a task.  I know that through Christ’s suffering, He knows exactly what we experience in this life; He has experienced it all.

I know that the commandments guide us to perfection.  As humans we don’t know everything and instead of trial and error, God has provided us with guidelines of what to follow to bring the most happiness to us.

Repentance is a blessing that not only erases our sins, but humbles us to realize that we are not perfect and need God in our lives.  We must continually repent and use the atonement to perfect ourselves. 

Even though we don’t know everything that goes on and what will happen in the future, I know that God does know and is looking out for our best interest.  I know that we must experience trials and to have opposition in our lives to grow and develop God-like attributes.  I know that we can be given more than we can handle, but with God’s help – we can overcome EVERYTHING.  

President Monson:  To understand the meaning of death, we must appreciate the purpose of life. The dim light of belief must yield to the noonday sun of revelation, by which we know that we lived before our birth into mortality. In our premortal state, we were doubtless among the sons and daughters of God who shouted for joy because of the opportunity to come to this challenging yet necessary mortal existence.5 We knew that our purpose was to gain a physical body, to overcome trials, and to prove that we would keep the commandments of God. Our Father knew that because of the nature of mortality, we would be tempted, would sin, and would fall short. So that we might have every chance of success, He provided a Savior, who would suffer and die for us. Not only would He atone for our sins, but as a part of that Atonement, He would also overcome the physical death to which we would be subject because of the Fall of Adam. (General Conference)

TO BE LIKE HIM

We are here on earth to become perfect like Christ.  We must work on becoming the best version of ourselves.  When it comes to change – we must accept that we don’t have control over others and focus on changing ourselves for the better.

We shouldn’t compare ourselves to others – we are each given a unique set of weaknesses, trials, and strengths.  Love and support others, but change yourself through repentance and knowledge.

JOY

We are here to experience joy as well as sorrow.  2 Nephi 2:25:

“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.”

We have a very narrow perspective of this world and don’t always understand why things happen the way they do.  As we trust God and follow His plan, He will lead us to everlasting joy.

Russell Willingham:  “As children we had dreams of being firemen, policemen, football players and other such heroes.  Why those longings?  Because we hungered to make a difference in the world.  God put this desire in us.  As adults many of us have given up on our dream of making a difference.  We have settled for making ends meet and experiencing as much happiness as our limited incomes will allow.  But deep inside a voice still says, “You were meant for more than this.”  (Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction & the Healing Power of Jesus P.153)

CONTROL

Focus on what you can control and don’t get too discouraged when others make bad decisions. 

Reinhold Neibuhr:

“God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.   
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.”

“Today I am defined by character traits that developed out of my journey through pain.  Only God is big enough to show me triumph over tragedy.” (Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed: by Debra Laaser, page 241)

I recommend reading: “I don’t have to make everything all better” – by Lundberg.  I have a fix-it mentality, wanting to come up with a solution to every problem presented to me.  I have learned that sometimes people just want to find and that they don’t need help fixing things.  Instead we can empower people by offering validation.  We want to feel listened to and understand.

For example, when one of my children wants candy at a check-out stand and starts crying for it, I can say “oh, you want some candy?”  Just by acknowledging her feelings and showing that I am listening and care helps calm her down and accept that she won’t get it.  Empowerment helps change people.

I have also learned to try and pray for others without taking away their agency.  Sometimes we sincerely want the best for someone and pray that they will make the right choice, even though God will not take away our agency.  Instead I try to pray that they will have the righteous DESIRE to make the right choices.

BALANCE

We are easily distracted by the things that are not important in this world.  I gave up trying to read all of the forwarded e-mails of quotes, poems, stories, pictures, etc. long ago as it can take a lot of time to go through them all and they are not important to me.  The personal e-mails are my priority.  I have learned that there are good things and there are better things.  We must find balance with giving the better things first priority.

SHATTERED DREAMS: GOD'S UNEXPECTED PATHWAY TO JOY by Larry Crabb

IDEAS

*Hope in new dreams brings joy; living for the better dreams creates joy.

*Brokenness – admit that you are helpless and nothing without God; you cannot do it alone

*Selfishness – our primary commitment is to protect ourselves and therefore never being fully vulnerable to others

*Our pain will always have a purpose.

*Many people will try to “help out” by putting a time limit on mourning and believing that there is a “proper way to mourn.” Page 65  “With each other we’re more proper than real, more appropriate than alive.” Page 67

*Deadening pain is the way of Buddha; deepening our desire is the way of Jesus.

* We must pray for brokenness, for the power to trust God no matter what life brings.

QUOTES

“. . . what He’s doing while we suffer is leading us into the depths of our being, into the center of our soul where we feel our strongest passions.

“It’s there that we discover our desire for God.  We begin to feel a desire to know Him that not only survives all our pain, but actually thrives in it until that desire becomes more intense than our desire for all the good things we still want.  Through the pain of shattered lower dreams, we wake up to the realization that we want an encounter with God more than we want the blessings of life.  And that begins a revolution in our lives.” (emphasis added) page 4

“The road will take us through some dark nights, but you need not wait for morning to rejoice.  Morning will come, but you can welcome your suffering now as an opportunity to meet God, to encounter Him with a passion that will free you to get close to a few people in authentic community and to experience genuine transformation in your personal life, especially in the way you love others.

“May we trust God’s Spirit to draw on the resources of Christ to lead us into the arms of the Father, even if shattered dreams have made it seem impossible to ever dream again.” page 7

A man who had shattered dreams:  “He could not imagine a higher dream than going backward to what once was.” Page 10

“God had a greater dream for the man than a return to a pleasant life.” Page 11

“He still saw his pain.  But now he saw God.  And the cry for blessing was no longer a demand for a pleasant life.  It was a cry for whatever God wanted to do, for whoever He was.” Page 12

“It was a new dream . . . it was a dream of actually knowing God and representing Him in an unpleasant world.” Page 12

“His suffering became to him a doorway into God’s heart.  He shared God’s pain in His great project of redemption.  Suffering together for a single cause made him feel closer to God.” Page 13

“We are not defined by the things we suffer.” Page 27

When dreams shatter:

-we lose hope

-we lose the capacity for soul-pleasure

-then we sink into depression

-and pretend we’re still okay

“There is, of course, a price to pay for this adjustment to shallowness.  When the capacity for soul-pleasure is lost, we become irresistibly attracted to lesser pleasures – either to counterfeits of soul-pleasure (like power, popularity, and prowess in business or sports or party humor) or to substitutes for soul-pleasure (like addictive eating, drinking, and sexual fun).” Page 30

“We long to experience a compelling pleasure that eliminates all pain.” Page 31

We become focused on immediate pleasure instead of delayed gratification.

“As long as our purpose is to have a good time, to have a soul-pleasure exceed soul-pain, God becomes merely a means to an end, an object to be used, never a subject rightfully demanding a response, never a lover to be enjoyed.  Worship becomes utilitarian, part of a cunning strategy to get what we want rather than a passionate abandonment to someone more worthy than we.” Page 32

“The richest hope permits the deepest suffering, which releases the strongest power, which then produces the greatest joy.” Page 45

“Happy people do not love well.  Joyful people do.  That’s why happiness, the pleasant feelings that pleasant circumstances generate, must be taken away in order to be replaced by joy.

“Happy people rarely look for joy.  They’re quite content with what they have.  The foundation of their life consists of the blessings they enjoy.  Although they may genuinely care about those less fortunate and do great things to help, their central concern is to keep what they have.  They haven’t been freed to pursue a greater dream.  That’s why they cannot love well.  In His severe mercy, God takes away the good to create an appetite for the better, and then eventually, He satisfies the new appetite, liberating them to love.

“It comes down to this: God’s best is available only to those who sacrifice, or who are willing to sacrifice, the merely good.  If we are satisfied with good health, responsible children, enjoyable marriages, close friendships, interesting jobs, and successful ministries, we will never hunger for God’s best.  We will never worship.  I’ve come to believe that only broken people truly worship.  Unbroken people – happy folks who enjoy their blessings more than the Blesser – say thanks to God the way a shopper thanks a clerk.” Page 57

Buddism – “We kill desire in an effort to escape pain.” Page 63

“People who insist on happiness never find joy.  They allow themselves to feel only those desires that are met.  Denied desires they deaden.  The effect is to feel happy for a season, perhaps a long season, but it’s a selfish happiness.  They live for the ongoing satisfaction of desires other than the desire to know God.  They become self-absorbed.”  Page 75

If the author were Naomi’s (Bible story) pastor he would speak to her and the congregating like this:  “I would encourage them to interpret all of life’s hardships not as problems to fix or struggles to relieve or pain to deaden, but as important elements in a larger story that all God’s children long to tell.  I would urge them to accept wherever they are on the journey, whether happy or miserable, as the place where God will meet them, where He loves them, where He will continue to work in them.” Page 81

“Inconsolable pain, the kind that drives away every vestige of happiness and renders us incapable of fully enjoying any pleasure, can be handled only by discovering a capacity for a different kind of joy.  That is the function of pain, to carry us into the inner recesses of our being that wants God.  We need to let soul-pain do its work by experiencing it fully.

“If we deny how badly we hurt, we remain unaware of our desire for God and ware only of lesser desires.  When those lesser desires are the only ones we actually feel, they inevitably become compulsive demands.  An addiction begins.” Page 85

“We need God.  He is all we need.  But until we realize that fact, we experience lesser desires as needs and devote our energy to arranging for their satisfaction.  That defines addiction.” Page 68

“Whatever brings satisfaction relieves pain for the moment, then creates deeper emptiness that, in turn, more rudely clamors for relief.  We lose our power to choose.  The will becomes a slave to whatever god makes us feel better.  We die as persons while Satan chuckles.” Page 86

A woman’s husband died and she said: “Everything’s different now.  What used to matter so much just doesn’t matter in the same way.  Nothing really matters now but knowing God.” (Emphasis added)

She continued, “Although I’m grateful for all the blessings I still have and although I deeply value the wonderful support of family and friends, nothing has the power to touch me where I most keenly hurt, especially at four in the morning.  At those times all I can do is turn to God.”(Emphasis added) Page 87-88

“. . . the happiness He provides now is the strange happiness of longing for what we were designed to experience but must wait to fully enjoy.  It’s the happiness of serving a God we trust enough to let us cry today, knowing He has promised to wipe our eyes tomorrow.” (Emphasis added) Page 89

When we abandon ourselves to God:  “No longer do we live for blessings; no longer do we pray, ‘God, here is what I need.  Give it to me!’  Now we rest, an agitated rest that includes the agony of frustration, but still we rest.  And we learn to say, “God, whoever You are, whatever You do, that is all I want.  I demand nothing.  I will wait for You.” page 92

“When we attempt to serve two masters, we end up bowing before the one who is more apparently responsive to our needs and hating the other.  An hour of pornography reaps more immediate dividends than an hour of prayer.  It’s only play money, but it looks real.  And it does buy pleasure on demand.  Prayer doesn’t do that.”  (Emphasis added) Page 96

We shouldn’t dwell on the difficulties of life.  “More often, we should lighten up, enjoy what’s enjoyable, and seize everyday opportunities to trust God and do good.”

“. . . We’re reduced to exhilarating humility, to an interior darkness, a silencing darkness, that lets us see God in the richest way He can be seen in this life.  We will see Him in heaven in ways we cannot see Him now.  But we can see Him now in ways that release us to worship and love, even when dreams shatter.” Page 103

“The Spirit’s masterpiece is the man or woman who much prefers to live elsewhere, who finds no deep joy in the good things of this life, who looks closely in the mirror and years to see something different, whose highest dream is to be in the Presence of the grace-filled Father.  It is the person whose life here is consumed with preparing to meet Him there.” (Emphasis added) page 126

“When we see the heart of Jesus and understand His passion for us, the hell of the spiritual journey becomes the foyer of heaven.”  Page 129

“People who spend their lives in the slums, people who have never seen lakes and trees and flowers, suffer from undeveloped imaginations.  They wish for nothing better than that their children live in a tenement with uncracked windows and running water and fewer rats.  For a hobo, it’s really living to ride in a railroad car that doesn’t smell.

“But God’s children are neither slum dwellers nor hobos.  We’ve been empowered to dream bigger dreams than mere earthlings can imagine.  In God’s eyes, big houses, happy families, and comfortable bank accounts are, in themselves, nothing more than rat-free hovels and disinfected cattle cars.

“The finest things this world can offer have no compelling appeal to a reborn spirit.  They are as nothing compared to the joy of living in His Presence.” Page 134

“We conceive of the spiritual journey as a cooperative enterprise where we pool our resources with God’s to see to it that life works well enough to keep us relatively happy till we reach the world where life works perfectly and we always feel great.” Page 141

“Something bad happens.  I hurt.  I feel unhappy.  I long to feel good.  I ask God for help.  I am resolved to feel better.  I do whatever I can to make at least a few dreams come true.  That is the way of the flesh.

“Something bad happens.  I hurt.  I feel unhappy.  I long to feel good.  But I trust God.  His pleasure matters more than mine.  But His pleasure includes mine.  I believe that.  So I abandon myself to His pleasure.  I live to please Him.  I work hard and live responsibly and strive to put balance in my life because that pleases Him.  Making Him feel good is a higher priority than making me feel good.  And somehow, inevitably, at some point, I discover joy.  That is the way of the Spirit.” Page 153-154

“The good news of the gospel is not that God will provide a way to make life easier.  The good news of the gospel, for this life, is that He will make our lives better.  We will be empowered to draw close to God and to love others well and to do both for one central purpose, to glorify God, to make Him look good to any who watch us live.” (Emphasis added) Page 155

“It’s so natural to think the Presence of Jesus has no greater purpose than to improve the quality of our journey through life – with quality defined as a pleasurable, satisfying, self-affirming existence – a journey where certain things don’t go wrong or, if they do, they correct themselves.  Marriages should work, biopsies should come back benign, ministry efforts should succeed, and we should feel pretty good about the way most things go.

“If dreams never shattered, we would continue to believe that lie and value only what God can do for us now; we would value neither His Presence nor all that He intends to do later.  And we would not be willing to pay the devastating price required to experience His Presence now.  Without trials, only spoiled brats would enter heaven.  And that would turn heaven into hell.” (Emphasis added) Page 157

Author’s friend David Shepherd said:  “Faith, as I am growing to understand it more, is about looking beyond my circumstances to a person.  To have faith in better circumstances, even in God creating better circumstances, is not true faith.  I want to be the kind of man who can watch every dream go down in flames and still yearn to be intimately involved in kingdom living, intimately involved with my friend the King, and still be willing to take another risk just because it delights Him for me to do so.  And my flesh shivers to think about it.” Page 161

“As a church, we’ve lowered our sights; we ask for too little.  We dream only of escaping the pain of life by entering the bliss of heaven.  And until then, we dream only of surviving this life with less heartache and more blessing.  We have given up the dream of knowing God now.” Page 182

“We settle for lesser joys, for more manageable pleasures that come with a smaller price tag, at least for now.” Page 183

“If we believe there’s more pleasure in something other than God, then our obedience will never rise above required duty, our prayers will never aim higher than using God, and our joy will always leave an emptiness that drives us to further self-centered efforts to find the fullness we demand.” (Emphasis added) Page 183

“Only a thrilling, soul-pleasuring encounter with God that generates more pleasure than sin will free us from our addiction to sin.” Page 186

“It’s important to remember that our addictions are not the product of psychological disorder.  They are not the expression of internal damage caused by difficult backgrounds.  They are rather the fruit of the flesh, that natural tendency in all of us to fill our empty souls with some pleasure other than God.  Obedience to God is a fruit of the Spirit’s revealing the sweetness of Christ to our spirits so that we actually enjoy obedience more than sin.” Page 208

“. . . we see ourselves, as minor offenders who perhaps deserve a scolding, maybe even a ticket.  But our reasons for breaking the law seem reasonable.” Page 194

“In our Christian culture, we’ve weakened our understanding of personal sin by talking too soon and too much about our longings and our needs.  We want to feel good about ourselves, we long for enjoyable relationships, we desire effective and recognized ministries.  We become the point and see nothing really wrong with it.

“Because we focus more on our longings than our evil, we see ourselves not as hopelessly arrogant, worthy of eternal misery, but as scoldably selfish, deserving of perhaps a slap on the wrist.” Page 194

“We may admit that our minor offenses warrant a reprimand, but we really believe that if someone knew what we’ve been through and the pain we feel, the scolding would give way to a sympathetic hug.  We struggle and we make mistakes, but given our hurt, given how poorly the people in our lives have responded to our longings, our struggles are quite understandable.  If God loves us, He really ought to help.” Page 194

WHY DOES GOD ALLOW US TO SUFFER AND HAVE OUR HEARTS BROKEN?

My Testimony:

I have learned that raising a righteous family, doing missionary and temple work, keeping the commandments, working towards an eternal marriage, etc. are all good dreams.  But are not the “highest dream” which is to not only build a relationship with God, but to encounter Him and become like Him.  Sometimes our lower dreams have to be shattered to realize that.

I have also learned that at times we are so focused on feeling good and better right now that we settle for lower dreams and allow addictions to attempt to numb the pain and control of our lives.

I have learned that God does give us more than we can handle by ourselves, but as we turn to Him – we can overcome anything.

I have changed my eternal perspective from just focusing on my end goal of eternal life to also imagining myself as a goddess looking back at this earthly experience as just a moment in time and believe that the trials that seem big right now won’t be so big at that point, but instead stepping stones that have helped shaped me into who I have become.

I have learned that it is okay not to feel “good” all of the time.  Whether we feel good or bad does not determine whether we are on the right or wrong path.  Feeling bad/hurt often draws us closer to God and the right path.

I have learned that the good news of the gospel is not that God will make our lives easier, but the good news is that He will make them better.  He sees the whole picture and we must trust Him that our trials are for our good, drawing us closer to Him.

I used to consider this life as a “trial.”  I believe that we are meant to experience some joy here, but will have to wait until we enter into God’s presence to feel complete joy.  I have learned that shattered dreams are an important part of this earthly journey to be able to deepen our capacity to feel joy.  The highest dream is glorifying God and enjoying Him more than any source of pleasure.

We have a limited perspective, not able to always understand why things happen:

C.S. Lewis: Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

Through shatter dreams we can deepen our relationship with God and develop traits through adversity.  We are able to forget ourselves and surface a higher desire for God, building new dreams.  We are able to develop humility, accepting the fact that we can’t do it all on our own.  We feel so much pain now so that in the future we can feel so much more joy.  We were not meant to be a part of this world.  God does have a higher plan for us and He will not let us down.

C.S. Lewis: If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

C.S. Lewis: What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like, "What does it matter so long as they are contented?" We want, in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven - a senile benevolence who, as they say, "liked to see young people enjoying themselves" and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, "a good time was had by all."

C.S. Lewis: [Mortals] say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death.

Debra Laaser:  “Shattered dreams open the door to better dreams, dreams that we do not properly value until the dreams that we improperly value are destroyed.  Shattered dreams destroy false expectations, such as the ‘victorious’ Christian life with no real struggle or failure [or the perfect marriage without work].  They help us discover true hope.  We need the help of shattered dreams to put us in touch with what we most long for, to create a felt appetite for better dreams.  And living for the better dreams generates a new, unfamiliar feeling that we eventually recognize as joy.

“Our pain will always have a purpose.  It will not go away, but it will do its work.  It will stir an appetite for a higher purpose – the better hope of knowing God well enough now to love him above everything else . . . and trusting him no matter what happens.”

“I committed myself to the Lord years ago, but last week I felt the deep desire to do it all over again.  I gave him my shattered life, the uncertainty of my marriage, and the fear of what would be next for me.  I just told him I couldn’t control it anymore.  (Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed)

TRIALS

OPPOSITION

I have learned that opposition is a very healthy thing to have in order to have balance in our lives. With it, we can learn to appreciate the good and recognize our blessings.

We must experience the sorrow to be able to appreciate and fully feel true joy. We cannot have one without the other.

When we are sick – it sucks. Sometimes we quickly forget how nice it is to be healthy and not in pain as we get so focused on other things in our lives. We easily forget our blessings/health. It is good to be reminded through trials once in awhile to not take things for granted.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Young Women Conference 2010):

. . . you need to know that you will experience your own adversity. None is exempt. You will suffer, be tempted, and make mistakes. You will learn for yourself what every heroine has learned: through overcoming challenges come growth and strength.


It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.


Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you. You are not alone.


If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you. He says to you, as He said to Joseph Smith, “[Your] adversity and [your] afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if [you] endure it well, God shall exalt [you] on high.”3


Enduring adversity is not the only thing you must do to experience a happy life. Let me repeat: how you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own “happily ever after.”


Everywhere you look today, you will find promises of happiness. Ads in magazines promise total bliss if you will only buy a certain outfit, shampoo, or makeup. Certain media productions glamorize those who embrace evil or who give in to base instincts. Often these same people are portrayed as models of success and accomplishment.


I understand that, at times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God’s path for you. And that path will take you to your “happily ever after” destination.


“Stand . . . in holy places, and be not moved,”5 regardless of temptations or difficulties. I promise you that future generations will be grateful for you and praise your name for your courage and faithfulness during this crucial time of your life.

WE CAN’T COMPARE

We cannot compare trials as it can be difficult for one and easy for another person. I remember someone getting up in church and talking about how difficult it is to give blood for them as they fear needles. I do not have the same fear and so it may seem miniscule to me. I realized that I have to still be understanding of someone else’s trial even though I don’t experience the same feelings.

I don’t believe it is fair to compare and somehow think that you are superior for handling a situation/trial better. You can say, “I can’t imagine what that must be like, here is something that I’ve been through.”

Celebrity Apprentice: “Nobody knows what it’s like unless you’ve been through it.”

We search for understanding and sympathy, but many people can’t give it because they haven’t been through it – Christ has been through it ALL. God is the only one who can fulfill that emptiness inside of us of longing to feel understood and connected.

Elder Uchtdorf: “. . . let our hearts and hands be stretched out in compassion toward others, for everyone is walking his or her own difficult path.” (General Conference: “You are my hands”)

WITH GOD

I used to think that Heavenly Father wouldn’t give me a trial that I couldn’t overcome. The scriptures talk about not being given more temptation than we could bear. I have learned that He allow trials and afflictions in our lives that are more than we can bear. What I have learned is that with God I can do ANYTHING. He hasn’t left us and He has heard our cries. He can give us strength to overcome what we cannot overcome by ourselves.

Trials have changed my whole perspective of life. Recently I heard that sometimes we have to be brought lower so that we can be taken higher. The more I have leaned on God for strength, the more confidence and trust that I have built with Him, knowing that with Him I can overcome anything.

I used to think God wouldn’t give us more than we could handle and then I’d wonder why people committed suicide, etc. He DOES give us more than we can handle WITHOUT Him.

Our prayers are not always answered the way that we would like them to be and we must trust God that things will work out for the best in the end. He will consecrate our afflictions for our good if we allow Him to do so.

ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE

I have always tried to keep an eternal perspective, striving to make righteous decisions now to be blessed in the future. The trials that I have faced in life have changed my perspective a little bit of what my “eternal life” will be like. I have now had to take it to a whole new level, actually imagining myself as a goddess in the eternities, looking back at my relatively short earthly life and thinking to myself, “these were only earthly tribulations/heartaches that gave me knowledge and experience and I don’t have to live with these trials and their consequences throughout eternity.”

JESUS CHRIST

Elder Donald L. Hallstrom: If you feel you have been wronged—by anyone (a family member, a friend, another member of the Church, a Church leader, a business associate) or by anything (the death of a loved one, health problems, a financial reversal, abuse, addictions)—deal with the matter directly and with all the strength you have. “Hold on thy way” (D&C 122:9); giving up is not an option. And, without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load. We are promised that we will “suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ” (Alma 31:38). Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually. (Emphasis Added)

His most exemplary act, the Atonement, required Jesus to descend “below all things” (D&C 88:6) and suffer “the pains of all men” (2 Nephi 9:21). Thus we understand the Atonement has broader purpose than providing a means to overcome sin. This greatest of all earthly accomplishments gives the Savior the power to fulfill this promise: “If ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence . . . , if ye do this, he will . . . deliver you out of bondage” (Mosiah 7:33). (General Conference, “Turn to the Lord;” Emphasis added)

We may have a weight in our hearts through tribulation that wasn’t there before, but Christ can lift our burdens and make that weight lighter as we turn to Him.

Elder Quentin L. Cook: He faced mental, physical, and spiritual afflictions that are beyond our comprehension. In the garden, He prayed to His Father, saying, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” As His disciples, there will be times when we will be tried and persecuted unjustly and mocked unfairly and face temporal and spiritual storms of a magnitude that will seem unbearable to us and experience bitter cups that we pray would pass from us. No one is exempt from the storms of life. (General Conference: “We Follow Jesus Christ”)

PATIENCE

Spencer W. Kimball: “Now, we find many people critical when a righteous person is killed, a young father or mother is taken from a family, or when violent deaths occur. Some become bitter when oft-repeated prayers seem unanswered. Some lose faith and turn sour when solemn administrations by holy men seem to be ignored and no restoration seems to come from repeated prayer circles. But if all the sick were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, free agency, would be ended.


“If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil – all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, no satanic controls.


“Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death; and if these were not, there would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.”

Elder Uchtdorf: From that experience, I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort.


There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!


Impatience, on the other hand, is a symptom of selfishness. It is a trait of the self-absorbed. It arises from the all-too-prevalent condition called “center of the universe” syndrome, which leads people to believe that the world revolves around them and that all others are just supporting cast in the grand theater of mortality in which only they have the starring role.


Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.


Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.


Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich.


Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.” Ultimately, patience means being “firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord” every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so.


Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. This was true in the time of the Savior. It is true in our time as well, for we are commanded in these latter days to “continue in patience until ye are perfected.”


My dear brethren, the work of patience boils down to this: keep the commandments; trust in God, our Heavenly Father; serve Him with meekness and Christlike love; exercise faith and hope in the Savior; and never give up. The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness. (General Conference)

WE DON'T ALWAYS KNOW WHAT WE WANT

We don’t always know what we want. I have noticed that people think they know what they want but it isn’t realistic, it is fantasy. Some girls want the “bad boy” but then are upset when he cheats on them or avoids them – those are the characteristics that make the “bad boy” a bad boy. It’s like in a way women feel like they should be “special” and magically change them.

R. Dale Jeffery: “Any dog inside a fence will bark and clamor to get out. But once they are out, most dogs run around for awhile, sniff out the territory, then sit down by the fence. This is because they focused only on getting out and never thought of what to do after they got out.

Many humans are the same way. We say, “I can’t wait to get out of high school,” or “I just want out of this relationship,” or “I’m just going to get through college as fast as I can.” In a missionary sense, we might say, “I can’t wait to get home/out of this area,” or “just wait until I get my new companion.”

But what are we doing now? Are we planning what to do and preparing our souls for the trials we’ll encounter on the other side? If not, then are we any different from the dog?”

Uniqueness

My philosophy is that people want to be unique and sometimes go to great depths to do so.  No one wants to hear that they are similar to an ex – they want to be special so that they will last.  People want to feel needed, like they can’t be replaced.

WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW

OUR CHALLENGE

The Miss USA Pageant proposed the following question to a contestant: “What is the biggest challenge women face?”

The contestant answered that it is trying to balance being a mother and a career. I wish that was the biggest challenge we face.

In reality the biggest challenge is women being misused, misrepresented through porn and advertisements, which leads to a low self-esteem and may result in abusive relationships, eating disorders, plastic surgery, and never feeling they are enough in this world.

Why girls dress immodestly and/or are promiscuous:

#1 attention – I understand the need for attention. When I was younger I ran away to our basement. I’d dream of breaking my leg to get more attention. There are healthier ways to get attention besides these examples or selling your body and getting lustful attention.

#2 want to feel wanted/loved/needed – they believe that immodesty keeps them safe (a myth)

#3 fashion – you can find modest fashion

The problem with this immodesty/promiscuity:

#1 they are creating lust in men’s hearts – not love, when they lure him in sexually

#2 they are doing it at the expense of faithful wives who suffer when their husband’s develop lust because of the immodest women

THE TOTEM POLE

Through my observation it seems that there is an imaginary totem pole that many women try to climb to the top of to feel “safe” from infidelity. They believe if they are the sexiest and the most beautiful – their loved one can’t possibly cheat on them - why would they choose someone lower on the totem pole? This is a false sense of security as the sad reality is – it doesn’t matter who you are – lust creates the feeling of wanting more and even supermodels have husbands who cheat on them. You can never be the highest.

Women want to feel special, like they are a loved one’s “only one.” They don’t want to feel like they have to compete with everyone else around them. Even women who sleep with married men feel somehow “special” and “different” since a man would choose them. In the end they are screwing all women over, including themselves because a lustful man is never satisfied and they are far from “special” in his eyes. If a man has lust in his heart – no woman is enough for him. Women want to feel “enough” for their spouses in a world that is screaming “you don’t have enough.” We shouldn’t have to compare ourselves to each other – just be the best version of yourself that we can be.

I have heard someone say that it is a “privilege” to pose for playboy. To me, this message is clear – we are all in a competition and if we are asked to be naked for men – we are somehow “enough.”

I watched a movie based on a true story that is about a young woman who starts sleeping with a man and then later finds out that he is engaged. She is upset and decides because of that she will never marry. She makes the statement: “Better a mistress than a wife.” That statement in that situation made sense to me in some ways. As a mistress you feel like you are more in control of who you are with. Instead of being cheated on, you are helping someone else’s spouse cheat. You don’t have to put your heart on the line and get involved. You don’t have to same expectations as a spouse does. I can understand how someone could believe that.

The problem with this concept is it is a very selfish perspective as mistresses don’t take into consideration the wives that are being mistreated and cheated on because of them. It’s a very narrow-minded and selfish concept.

I have heard a playboy poser upset because her boyfriend was hanging out with an ex-girlfriend. It felt contradicting to me that a woman who chose to sell her body for a living and encourage lust and infidelity would expect to have a “faithful boyfriend.” By selling their bodies as objects, I would find it hard to believe that “posers” could find a meaningful relationship without being seen as an object – indispensable and just to be used. How can she expect “love” when her goal is to create “lust?”

A talk show the other day discussed sexual addiction. It is astonishing to hear a man confess that he has slept with over 3000 women. It is even more astonishing to think that there were 3000 women to sleep with him – who are these women? I feel curious to try to understand women who sell their bodies – with dancing, etc. – where do they come from? Do they have any other purpose in life than to be whores?

I realize that many come from broken families and don’t have a “father figure” in their lives, but many women grow up like that and they don’t become the whores of the earth.

SUPPORTING THE PRIESTHOOD/MEN

I believe that the #1 way to support the priesthood is by encouraging them to make good choices and avoid temptation. The biggest influence I believe that we have on men is the way we dress and act. We might not understand their temptation, but we must respect it by being modest.

PLASTIC SURGERY

I have seen the scary results that plastic surgery can have on women – making them look so different – it is scary. Women who are fake like that make it harder for us natural and normal people – because guys like the big boobs and unnatural/fantasy.

THE MESSAGE SENT

Over the years I have learned that women often believe that a man is falling in “love” with them when they impress the man through looks and physical intimacy. The truth is that most often men are falling into “lust” when focused solely on the physical aspect of the relationship. They believe that they will magically be the man’s only desire, but in contrast are creating a bigger hole in his heart with lust that he will attempt to satisfy with other sources.

Elder M. Russell Ballard:
It is, unfortunately, all too easy to illustrate the confusion and distortion of womanhood in contemporary society. Immodest, immoral, intemperate women jam the airwaves, monopolize magazines, and slink across movie screens—all while being celebrated by the world.

Popular culture today often makes women look silly, inconsequential, mindless, and powerless. It objectifies them and disrespects them and then suggests that they are able to leave their mark on mankind only by seduction—easily the most pervasively dangerous message the adversary sends to women about themselves.

And so, my dear young women, with all my heart I urge you not to look to contemporary culture for your role models and mentors. Please look to your faithful mothers for a pattern to follow. Model yourselves after them, not after celebrities whose standards are not the Lord’s standards and whose values may not reflect an eternal perspective.

Immodest, unchaste women are glamorized and all too often celebrated and emulated.

They need to understand that when they wear clothing that is too tight, too short, or too low cut, they not only can send the wrong message to young men with whom they associate, but they also perpetuate in their own minds the fallacy that a woman’s value is dependent solely upon her sensual appeal.

2 CATEGORIES OF IMMODEST/PROVOCATIVE WOMEN:

#1 naïve/ignorant – thinking that the only result of immodesty is attention for themelves

#2 those who understand that they are doing something wrong – but value the attention they receive more than the souls that they help drag down to Hell, at the expense of their girlfriends/wives

If women really understood what they were doing I hope that they would be modest. I believe that most people are trying to be “good” and don’t understand how to do it. Other women just don’t care that they are ruining wives’ lives – willing to cheat with married men, etc.

CENTER OF ATTENTION

I heard a girl on tv say: “I don’t understand why girls hate me.” From my perspective it is pretty obvious. She flirts with the guys that the other girls’ like, even taking them away in the middle of a conversation to dance. She doesn’t respect other women and doesn’t understand the rules of dating when it comes to having girlfriends.

Looking back in High School, I remember some girls not wanting to invite me to things because I flirted with all of the guys. I didn’t realize that I was doing anything wrong. I just had a flirtatious personality come out after years of being too shy to talk to others. I was socially handicapped and didn’t know quite how to act with the new confidence out outgoingness that a friend helped bring out in me. I started enjoying the attention that I rarely received in the past. Later I realize that this is a problem.

Immodesty gets you attention. Being skanky, beautiful, etc gets you attention. Is attention more important than self-respect, values, and God?

A WORD ON CHEATING

One of my friends told me that her BYU roommate told her to show cleavage on a date, as if we have to lure men in through their testosterone instead of their hearts.

For someone to say that as women we need to dress sexier and be willing to “be more intimate” more often with our boyfriends/husbands in order to KEEP them is a bunch of crap. Supermodels have husbands who cheat on them. As women we should be the most attractive that we can be for our own self-confidence. You can be the sexiest and the most intimate and try so hard and yet your husband will/can still cheat on you.

Now, do I believe in having a healthy marriage with trying to make each other happy and being intimate? – of course. But if your main purpose in being intimate and looking nice is to try and “keep” your husband – then life will be very frustrating.

The best thing to do is focus on becoming the best version of yourself as possible and not try to please everyone else. You can’t please everyone else, but you can focus on pleasing God. When it comes down to it – there will always be someone who is “prettier” than you and someone who is willing to sell their bodies and expose themselves. You can’t compete with those who feel it is their purpose in life to drag men’s souls down to Hell. You cannot control your husband and it will be a frustrating process to attempt to do so. Find peace in the hope of being rewarded by God, not man, at the end of this life, despite how others treat you.

Dr. Phil had a guest whose husband cheated on her. She gave the advice: When you run into issues like infidelity it’s important and incumbent upon you to be very careful and very prayerful in the way you work toward reconciliation or in the way you work toward divorce.

The other thing that’s very important in life in general is to make sure you A- know who you are and B – surround yourself always with strong relationships with your friends, and with your family and with your God. Because it is those folks who will help you stay connected with who you are.

VALUE/WORTH

Our value and worth are not a reflection of the attention that we receive even though the world says that it is. In reality we are all of GREAT worth in the sight of God. It doesn’t matter whether or not we have money or win the beauty contest – He loves us all.

So many women are so willing to sell and objectify their bodies. Attention and fame are more important than self-worth and virtue.

WHAT MEN SHOULD KNOW

There is a huge difference between lust v. love.  Just because it gives you sexual stimulation doesn’t mean that it’s a good thing.  The only source of sexual stimulation should be with your wife.

Even though the whores of the Earth are sending the message that their bodies are like objects, that can be used to sell products and there really is no boundary or limit, women who do have values and morals consider their bodies to be something very special and private.  Women often feel insecure about their bodies because of all of the whores, plastic surgery done, and the touch ups that people get on their photos.  It is like living in a fantasy world and feeling like we have measure up to the fake women because that is what most men want.  Women want to feel like your “only one” and when you fill your mind with those whores and porn, you are violating that women’s need.

Just like women need to respect your temptations and not try to make it harder for you, even though we don’t understand your temptations fully – men need to respect a virtuous women’s pain and suffering that is caused by sexual addiction – even though you don’t understand it fully.

(please read my linked blog: “deployment & sexual intimacy” – the main message applies to all men and women)

KEEPING OUT OF THE WORLD

I am constantly reminded of the filth and evil in this world with e-mails entitled:  “Date Married Women this week – sexually explicit.”  Awesome, just what kind of crap we need in our home.  Who are these people? – dumb!  I get so frustrated with the constant bombardment of messages of whores willing to sell and expose themselves!
 
I have learned that our sensitivity to things is a very important indicator of how much we are a part of this world.  Desensitization not only makes us more vulnerable to letting in wickedness and filth into our lives – it deadens the capacity to feel and acknowledge God’s love and hand in all things.

Are we disgusted and horrified by immodesty/nudity, offended by crude language?  Do we turn off the TV or walk out of a bad situation or do we just stay try to block it out, and hope that it doesn’t affect us?

Satan is constantly trying to desensitize us and get us into a state of past feeling so that we can be his servants.  We must be sensitive to filth and spiritual things so that so that the Spirit can guide us in our lives.

“. . . the Spirit’s invitation to experience God appeals to something deeper than easily produced emotions.  It appeals to a capacity of soul that in many modern Christians has dried up through disuse, a capacity that carries us toward a higher dimension than mere emotions can reach.” (“Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb, page 109)

From experience I’ve learned that it is difficult to be sensitive in a world of filth because I am constantly offended and aware of it.  At the same time I believe that it helps me make better choices and become a better person by staying close to the Spirit and trying to keep out of this world as much as I can.

I have also learned that it is important to take time each day to embrace spiritual things through scriptures, prayer, temple worship, church worship, attending general conference, etc.  Do what you can to tune the world out and be able to hear the whisperings of the Spirit.

Soften v. Harden your hearts is paralleled with sensitive v. desensitized.  A softened heart helps lead to purified heart.

I have notice that these days I look away during intimate parts in shows and movies – even making out/kissing.  I may have started doing it when Tyler was deployed – not wanting to think about it or miss that closeness to him.  Now I look away because I feel that intimacy is something sacred and personal – I don’t like invading the character’s privacy to that and I don’t like filling my head with a million others making out.  I want to believe that it is something special between just Tyler and me.

I believe that crude language and a gross sense of humor shows a lack of education.  Through violence desensitization, we become senseless to others pain.  Not only are we unsympathetic, but some people get so past feeling that they hurt, torture, and kill others.

Elder M. Russell Ballard stated: “If we do not make good choices, the media can devastate our families and pull our children away from the narrow gospel path. In the virtual reality and the perceived reality of large and small screens, family-destructive viewpoints and behavior are regularly portrayed as pleasurable, as stylish, as exciting, and as normal. Often media’s most devastating attacks on family are not direct or frontal or openly immoral. Intelligent evil is too cunning for that, knowing that most people still profess belief in family and in traditional values. Rather the attacks are subtle and amoral—issues of right and wrong don’t even come up. Immorality and sexual innuendo are everywhere, causing some to believe that because everyone is doing it, it must be all right. This pernicious evil is not out in the street somewhere; it is coming right into our homes, right into the heart of our families.

“To be strong and happy, families need to be nourished by the truths depicted in the thirteenth article of faith—by a belief ‘in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men.’ [A of F 1:13] Gratefully, there are many like-minded men and women of all cultures and faiths who also seek that which is ‘virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy. . .’ The time has come when members of the Church need to speak out and join with the many other concerned people in opposition to the offensive, destructive, and mean-spirited media influence that is sweeping over the earth.” (www.combatingpornography.org)

I have learned a few things in my life that have helped me eliminate a lot of this filth and still enjoy entertainment:

CLEARPLAY
A dvd player that edits movies and shows that are listed on their website.  www.clearplay.com.
I bought the dvd player for about $100 and can either have a monthly membership for about $7 a month, or once every few months get the membership to download the newest movies for about $9.
We are able to adjust the settings to what we decide – it can be as extreme as editing the word “crap.”  In the past swear words, violence, etc. have ruined movies for me – now I can rarely watch a movie without clearplay.  I rarely go to the movie theatre and when I do, I am sure to look up the preview websites.

PREVIEW WEBSITES
www.screenit.com
http://www.commonsensemedia.org/
http://www.kids-in-mind.com/

I use the search engine: “screenit.com [and the name of the movie]” to look up a movie.  There is a monthly membership you can purchase, but I have found that they provide most of the information that you need without paying.  I have also used these other websites.

These websites are limited and are not perfect.  I looked up the movie “Eclipse” before going to see it in the theatre.  There are different levels of different categories like “sex/nudity.”  Strong and Extreme are the worst possible levels within these categories.

Eclipse was rated “strong” for sex/nudity even though it had neither.  I don’t consider guys without shirts on nudity.  But it does give you a general idea of what is in the movie and lists the different swearing, violence, sexual situations, etc. that are in the movie.

DVR
I love my DVR.  Not only has it allowed me to enjoy shows in my own time and still revolve my life around my two babies, I can also watch the shows faster by fast forwarding the commercials.  I am disgusted what commercials are allowed in our desensitized world – I’d rather not even watch them.

JUDGEMENT

Someone made the comment in my Sunday School class: “LDS people are SO judgmental.”

I have come to learn that part of the reason that we are so judgmental is because we are taught to be.

The Book of Mormon:  Moroni 7: 16-19

For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him.

And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged.

Wherefore, I beseech of you, brethren, that ye should search diligently in the light of Christ that ye may know good from evil; and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Christ.

It is very important to distinguish good and evil and follow the Spirit.  When we ignore the Spirit we become desensitized.  I believe that if we don’t make judgments, we will be blind from what is right and wrong and be swept away by the worldly ideals and values.  Satan wants us to be apathetic and not care about anything – accepting everything into our lives so that the most important and spiritual things will be lost in the crowd.  Many people become desensitized, no longer recognizing good v. evil.

As the scriptures state, we can judge by the light of Christ and we can also judge wrongfully.  Here is the difference to me in my life:

Judging by the Light of Christ

As a mother and wife, I not only judge what influences I want in my life, but feel the desire to protect my family as much as possible in this corrupt world.  I avoid the things that could threaten my marriage or be a poor example to my children.  The other day one of my friends posted an inappropriate profile picture on Facebook.  Even though my husband may not see it, since it is my account, I still didn’t feel like I should keep that friend on Facebook, as I would be upset if my husband ever were to see it.  I explained to her why, hoping that she’d understand that as a married woman, I don’t see a need to keep that kind of influence around.

Now, one may say, well – what is wrong with friends and family members wearing bikinis/being immodest if everyone else is doing it?  #1 I don’t have to associate or talk to “everyone else.”  I wouldn’t want to be put in a situation to have to be rude to a friend or family member by avoiding them the whole time.  #2 I consider those close to me to be examples to my children, they look up to family.  I wouldn’t want the poor choices of friends and family to have a negative influence on my children.

My philosophy is:  CHOOSE GOOD PEOPLE TO BE AROUND YOU – if they threaten your standards, marriage, values, then they may not be worth including in your circle of friends.  Judge those things that are important to you.

Some may think that I am harsh – for me there is a huge difference between saying “I’m better than them” v. “I don’t want that negative influence in my life.”

I love talent.  I can appreciate good acting, dancing, singing – but I refuse to worship celebrities.  I admit, I had a Backstreet Boys poster on my wall growing up and felt a mild crush towards one of them.  But now I have learned that in reality – I wouldn’t be happy living with someone who didn’t live according to God’s standards.  I am disappointed with the way most celebrities choose to live their personal lives – with producing nude/skanky photos, etc.  I have learned to avoid getting to know about their personal lives so that I can still enjoy the talent without it being tainted by their worldly lifestyles.

Part of becoming like Christ is to make righteous judgments and to also love people despite their mistakes.  I do not believe in looking down on others or casting them out, but I do believe in surrounding yourself with people who respect your highest beliefs and standards.  Choose friends who will help you become your best self.

“The friends you choose will either help or hinder your success.” (BYU Speech 3/7/10 : Ronald Rasband)

“Those living at a telestial level are not necessarily unpleasant or “bad” people. Nevertheless, they are allowing appetites and passions to govern their choices and their lives.”  (Lili Anderson in BYU address 2005: “Three Realms of Law, Light, and Life”)

Judging Wrongfully

Having felt misunderstood and misjudged in my life, I try to constantly remind myself that I don’t completely understand everyone else’s situations and trials.  It seemed that some people thought I should have handled my husband’s one year deployment better.  For me, I did the best I could.  I believe that we one of the reasons why we judge wrongfully is because of our ignorance and narrow mindedness.  People often FORGET or don’t understand how hard it is to go through things like birth, having a newborn, etc.

We sometimes compare our weaknesses with other’s strengths = bad self-esteem

We sometimes compare our strength’s with other’s weakness = pride

People judge others to see how they are doing in comparison, wanting to feel better about themselves.  It is easy to cross the line and start thinking that you are better than others and not including them because of that.  Some may judge because they feel threatened by beauty, wealth, etc.  Others judge for the opposite reason – they are the ones with wealth, beauty, etc. and want those with similar tastes and opportunities/luck to be in their circle of friends because those are the things that are important to them. 

The world bases judgment on money, fashion, weight, plastic surgery, etc.  God bases judgment on good v. evil.  It is important to be aware of the way we are judging and what is the most important to us – is it fame and fortune or virtue and obedience?